the gurl in all trades

Lee© ** i write to express, not to impress! ** ©Lee

my prerogative

people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. but the question is.. Can you handle mine?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

thanks Alex!

I started my week awfully so I can’t control myself by ending it awfully too. For me, my week ends on Thursdays because I only have classes till Thursdays. This day! So am planning to end it by going to the adoration chapel on our church here. I haven’t been there for several months now and I have a lot of things to tell Him. I started cutting classes last Monday, and I also cut class last Tuesday and yesterday and now, I just cut class. I have 3 classes left for this day and one is the catechist. And guess what? I don’t feel like showing up on those! I know my students will be waiting or will be looking for me later but as of now, I don’t have conscience. Am such a bad ass!

I was with my friend Alex yesterday. I missed hanging out with her so when I saw her, instead of going in the class (which I was headed to), I invited her out. We hang out at Gaisano, eat our hearts out and just catch up. I was really happy yesterday; I was able to tell someone about what I have been going though lately. It’s nice to know that no matter how shitty you get, you can have someone to just sit with you and listen. Alex felt me. But she just stayed quiet and told me “Kaya mo yan sis, kaw pa! You’ve been through a lot and am not gonna start telling you on what you should do or what you should not. Kasi alam ko na kaya mo and you know what to do!” I was really happy hearing those words from her. It is such a relief. Someone here still believes in me. As a return, I treat her manggang hilaw with bagoong! *yum* (that’s our favorite snack) and I went with her at her place and we started laughing about the things we usually do last semester. We talked about our friend, Grichelle and she just gave birth with his son and we were talking about going to Calamba and see our inaanak. This would be very fun and an adventure! None of us have been there since. *laughs*

Each and every girl could say that any guys are good at disappearing. They are good at running away from things that they don’t want to deal with. What motivates them to disappear? As a girl, I can’t answer that. But I know that they are not man enough to prove and deal with what they put themselves in to.

Girls can disappear too. It’s not that they don’t want to deal with what they put themselves in to, but it’s the only solution left and they don’t have a choice but disappear!

Lee rocks!! @ 9:39 PM

Monday, January 15, 2007

Lithium

I have nothing in mind to put as a title here in my post; I am currently listening to Lithium by my ever favorite band Evanescence on my mp4 and deym it could incredibly explain how I feel now.

What did I do when I woke up this morning? Looked on my both phones; I got 1 message from Paolo on my smart and 3 messages on my globe; Precious, Merlene and Third. All were saying “good morneeeeeng!” but Precious was the only one who texted me about “inuman” this coming Saturday. Oh I hope I could come! *argh* after reading all the messages, I got up, went down stairs, looked for my lil cousin, gave him a big hug and kiss (he brightens up my morning when he would kiss me back and tell “tagal mo lagi gumising ate lee, wala na kanin para sayo.” *laughs*), then went to the bathroom, sit at the dinning room, took a mug of tea (normally, there is no breakfast left for me when I wake up every morning so I’d settle for a tea), went to get some money down town for my allowance, went back home, watched DVD (a walk to remember, if only and happy feet), took a bath, ate my lunch and went straight here, in the café.

I have my 1-3pm class today, it’s my major class and I have several absences in this one, I mean I go to this class, am physically present but in my Prof’s record, I have almost 10 absences because he would indicate absent on the student who does not wear the proper F and B uniform. Uhhh, yeah I have not been wearing my F and B uniform since he told us so and am not the only one though. It is so unpractical, we already have OUR uniform and yet he wanted us to wear ANOTHER uniform, we look ridiculous, say like selling a bible. Alright, I may be working with our school’s paper and we have taught our fellow students to follow rules in school and not nag and complain to the administration about it and that I should practice what I preach is that sooooo? To cut the story short, I decided not to show up today. Even if am present, I’ll still be absent in his record so I don’t mind missing a lesson at all.

Ok, that’s not the issue here. I just want to live, OK? People have ways on how they would live their life and I am one of them, so why won’t you just let me be? I want to take chances on whatever fate, destiny, stupidity, insanity, God, people, demon, fairies or whatever has given me. I don’t want to live thinking ahead about all the negative effects or consequences on whatever action I make. I have my own mind and heart, and yes I might need an outer perspective but just stop until there. Don’t try to control me, don’t try to change my faith and my beliefs. Am a grown “girl” now. I want to actually feel it. I know am capable of “amazing” things, do you? I mean, you have faith in me, don’t you? I want to change, I want you to see me change, but every time I tried to, you would give me the same old reactions and comments about what I am going though. Why not take a moment with me, simply listen. It may be boring or it may be the same old story but don’t try to spoil it; it makes me lose hope on myself, on my capabilities. I respect you. Respect me too.

Lee rocks!! @ 1:11 AM

Heart and Reason

Dear Heart,

This is a tiny voice that told me last night that I couldn’t understand you anymore. I have been awfully quiet for some time now and you have been shutting me off. I can feel you too and it is hard for me to understand that you want to go through it alone. We used to be in the same boat struggling over the things but you moved and took a different route. I have always been at your side, but this time I opt to differ. I can see your pain and I can feel it too, not because you are the heart which makes the only one capable of feeling. I am not hard as you, sometimes believe me, I am. I just have to be like this for the both of us. Otherwise we could both drown and no one can save us anymore. Heart, why do you keep on beating on with the wrong person all the time? Aren’t you tired of watching them leave you? Aren’t you tired of giving your best and not getting anything in return? If you are not, then I am. I am tired of giving you excuses so you won’t break. I am tired of saying “yes” when in fact it is “no”. I am tired of convincing you when you know very well that I am just lying to make you happy. I am tired of you, for all your broken dreams, your failed relationships, and for all your unrequited love. You have too much to give to the person who can never be yours Heart. Weren’t you the one who said that you are sore and wounded? So why are you staying when you can just walk away from all these pain that is consuming you? How can you take it Heart? How can you look at his eyes and not see you in his heart? How can you smile when you feel his caresses and know that those touches were meant for someone else? How can you be strong when you’re feeling weak and helpless? How can you possibly love someone who is in love with another girl? He was never yours to begin with, so it would be impossible to have him forever. Forever is just a word Heart. There is no such thing as forever, just good byes as inevitable. I have seen you so excited when he came to our lives. I was just as excited as you were. I wanted him to be he guy that we can both be in love with. But he is a dream, and dreams end. Tell me, wasn’t it good to have a dream every time you feel like doing so? Like dreams you have to wake up and face the day. It was enough that he made you feel loved. Just face the reality that someone owns his heart. Pushing for it will only make another girl’s heart bleed. I have seen you loved, lost and grieved, but never healed. Why Heart? What are you so afraid of? It’s time to let go. I know it would be hard. I have never seen you love this way before, so unconditional. Of course you have always loved unconditionally but your love for him is different because you wouldn’t listen to me. You use your words against me and that makes me feel helpless. I am just hurt as you are because I can’t make the pain go away. I can’t help you and heal for you. You have to do it alone. You have kept your silence and it’s deafening now. You are trying to fool me so I would think you are ok and that I shouldn’t be worried. You want me to believe that you are not in pain. Remember Heart, there is this thin line that connects us and it would be difficult to deceive one another of what is really going on.

Your friend,
Reason

********************* REPLY **************************

My friend Reason,
Thanks for putting up with me while I go through my journey. It is like battling a demon. The battle is with in me and something I feel I could not fight. You were right. I have never felt this way before, you know I said that. It is because I allowed myself to manipulate all the other system that is with in my control. I shut all the possibilities that one day when I look back this would be my biggest regret. I shut it because I know I would never regret. A love so true has no regrets even if you don’t get what you work so hard for in the end. That is why I disregard the idea that one day I would have to watch him leave and know that deep with in me he is never coming back. He is in deed a dream I never wish to end. I am holding on to that dream that is why I wouldn’t want to let it go yet, but holding on for so long as I can doesn’t mean holding on forever. I don’t believe in forever either that is what I used to because you said there is no such thing, but he made me believe in a lot of things and one of them is that we can stay like this for eternity. A moment with him is forever more. Forever might be a word, but it exist. It is a place where dreams come true; where hopes are limitless. It’s a place where kisses heal wounds. Where embrace can take away fears. Where touch can take away doubts. That is forever and I believe him because I felt it. We may not last another weeks, months, or years but he took me to that place where dates are mere numbers you count on to say that this is how long I have him for a moment and that is enough for me to go through this life time. Hopefully I can have him a little longer to last another life time. Looking back, you and I have been together in everything and I can never keep a secret from you. You are too wise to be fooled. They say wise people are poor in the matters of the heart. I wish to erase that cliché. It is not true that I choose to beat for the wrong guy. I just do. You should know better that my beating is involuntary. If I could be held with in the palm of the hand, then it would be a lot easier not to give any explanation. But I can’t be and this makes us human, so I keep my feet on the ground by feeling and hurting. You don’t have to make excuses for me anymore or lie to me, because regardless of the tears and pain, I am happy. You asked me how I can take it; it is about loving with out expecting to be loved back. I may say one thing but mean another, but when I say I love him, I really do. Love is not blind. It is only for the people who hoped to have more when they already have everything, it is about taking everything including those hope to take away. I don’t have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine. I don’t have to frown when I know his smiles weren’t mine, just as long as am smiling because of him and he knows it. I am weak and might be helpless, but I don’t want to heal. Healing is as good as forgetting and I don’t want to forget. Before I end, I want to tell you something. You wouldn’t understand but I know in time you would come to see it as I do. Love is not getting what you have, not even getting what you deserve; it is getting nothing and somehow getting everything if you see it the way I do then you wouldn’t ask anymore and still be wise. Perhaps if we can see again through the same eyes, we used to look at before through the same window. Maybe they would say we are the first to break the cliché.

Always,
Heart

Lee rocks!! @ 12:53 AM

silently broken

Current mood: low

Everything happens so fast. I arrived here in manila last December 18th and I was busy going out with my best friend and friends. It was really fun! Whenever my best friend and I count off the days of my stay, I would feel sad.

Hanging out with my best friend and friends and doing the things that we usually do is so refreshing. I would always say, or at least shout it at the back of my mind “wala to sa Ozamiz, totodohin ko na to!”. My life in Ozamiz is way too boring. The place is boring. I only have few friends there and we don’t hang out often. I normally spend most of my time in school, doing my responsibilities (I know I should). When I reach home, I’ll took a sip of tea (hot or iced), go to my room, change clothes, stretch out on my bed and I don’t know what’s next. Most of the time, I would think of my state or go to sleep. That’s how boring it is. Whenever I feel so left out, lazy or alone, I would just tell myself “Get a Life!!”. I know that I already have one, but am not doing anything about it.

Manila is a place that I know I’ll be happy. My best friend is here, my family is here, my home is here, my friends are here, my “kinky obsessions” are here, big malls are here, and my favorite ride (Viking) is here, everything that I need is here. I want to stay here (if only I could). Most of the people would ask me “why in Ozamiz?” then I would just give them a shrug. I may complain a lot about Ozamiz, but its one hell of a place that I know I could forget and be away of everything that keeps burning me.

2 days to go, I’ll leave for Ozamiz. Leaving Manila is difficult for me, but I have to. As I’ve said, Ozamiz is a place where I could forget and be away of everything that keeps burning me. You got it right; there is this one thing that I want to get away from. They say that running away from your problem wont help, in my situation now, it would.

I cried myself late to sleep last night. When I woke up at around 10:30 in the morning I tried my best to feel better and to forget the feeling I had last night; so I went downstairs, took a glass of water, washed few of my clothes, and watched a movie on DVD. Bad choice of movie cause it didn’t stop torturing me. I feel like these lines belong to me:

“If you leave now, everything we have will be perfect forever.”

“All we have is how you remember me, and if I know that am remembered that way then I can face anything! God Nelson, you are my immortality!”

“I need to do this, just like I need to know that you go on and have a beautiful life, the one you deserve.”

“You have me, FOREVER. Now, let me go.”

*sigh*

Running away or letting go of this one is so hard. I’ve been through this process several times but I just couldn’t endure the pain, but at least I know now what to do.

(It’s not you that I want to let go of, it’s the “thing” that I know I can never have from you. All I need is time, sooner then I’ll be cool with you. Remember, I still care.)

Lee rocks!! @ 12:15 AM

Thursday, December 14, 2006

green monster

I criticize people who sing out of tune, I laugh with it. But am not a good singer, whenever I see people performing on stage or even in front of the crowd, the green monster would suddenly engulfs me. I don’t want to sing like Regine or even Sarah, I just wish I could sing like Amy Lee or Kathy Taylor. I dream of performing in front of the crowd with my band mates and growl all the words in the song. I love to sing, it is one way of releasing the bad feelings that you have inside of you. Speaking of bad feelings, I have different kinds of it… (don’t ask!)

Being a Tingog staff is a privilege. Whenever our monthly issue is released, I love seeing students reading and appreciating what we (tingog staff) have worked for. Most of the staffs in Tingog are responsible students, unlike me! I guess am one hell of a pig! Again, I can feel the green monster engulfs me. Seeing the other writers working their articles a week before the deadline is killing me. I feel like am sooooo behind. I normally make my article DURING deadline. Whenever I feel like working on my article/s, I will suddenly feel the lazy brat in me. New Year is coming, I want to change!! *fingers crossed*

Seeing couples in school or anywhere is also killing me. I don’t know if that’s the right term to use but that’s what I feel whenever I see one. I mean, couples that I know that have been steady for a VERY long time, say 3 years and more. Green monster is what I am whenever I feel empty and incomplete. I know that’s not what is lacking, or lets say that’s not what I exactly need for now but I feel frustrated thinking and asking myself all the possible questions that are long been in my head, so far, none of it is answered yet. *sigh*

Lee rocks!! @ 5:03 AM

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

cheers fro my 21st!

20th year; this year is nice. I met different people and have touched their lives, and ganun din naman sila sa akin. I have learned a lot of things din from them; they have imparted me their wisdom and knowledge about some life relevant stuff. I don’t want to lay some details about this year; most of it is things that I don’t want to remember.

every new year of our lives, we want to be “improved”. we wish, we hope and we dream always for the better. There are certain things that were not fulfilled last year, but life goes on, we still have lots of year ahead of us, eventually those dreams and wishes will come true. If it exist, then it’s possible!

I strongly believe that I may not found or have the guy that I need these past few years, but he’ll be here with me, in God’s time.

a bunch of thanks for those people that have been there for me all through these years. you know who you are! hope you’d stay stranded in my life!

Life is Good.
God is Good.
It’s all Good!

Lee rocks!! @ 8:26 PM

Sunday, November 26, 2006

random

TINGOG – We had our workshop and evaluation last week. I had so much fun! I wanted to quit the org but the higher editors wont let me. Oh well, I guess I just have to stick on this one. I was actually planning to go back in varsity, but I just don’t feel like hanging with that bunch of jocks. Ate Lera, our managing editor will graduate this end of semester and she already proposed to us that I’d be the succeeding managing editor. Far out!! I just don’t want to have that big responsibility attached with my academics and my laziness. Oh well, God is with me!! – All the time!!

TEKMEYT – Argh! Why cant they just stop huh??? I would normally get a message from someone I don’t know every week! Yeah dude, every week!!! They would all introduce themselves to me. But hey, I’ve noticed that they are all assholes, or let’s say they are simply GUYS!!! Someone sent me a business card with someone’s name and number on it. The name is Perry, and the number is smart! So I was interested. I sent him a message and tried to fish something about him. I thought he is someone I know from MU, my former school. He told me his name is Perry alright, so I asked if he is studying in MU, he said he is in LSU, so I was shocked! I asked his year and how old he is. He said he’s 21 years old and he is taking up BSHM (same with me). So I decided to go through my professor’s class lists, since my professor usually ask me to record and rewrite our grades in his class record. I saw Perry’s name. Yes!! He is my classmate. I don’t have an idea on what he looks like, so I asked my professor, he pointed out the tall, dark, and pretty cute guy. The guy I think that is funny but quite reserved and shy. FYI, he is a jock. He is a basketball varsity player. I saw him play last Saturday; he was so good! Hehehe. I sent him a message that goes “Perry De Vina, right?” and he simply replied “Yeah, why?” so I replied, “I just found out that we are classmate.” And he replied, “As far as I know, I don’t have a classmate that has your name” I said, “yeah, coz Mr. Salburo normally calls me with my surname, it’s Falcon.” And he replied, “Ui, jackpot ah!!!” (So tell me, what the hell that means??? I don’t know what he means but I didn’t send him a message after that!)

DECEMBER – My relatives from manila are coming over to spend their Christmas here with my grandma. I know they’d be all having fun, my lil cousins are coming over too, and I miss them so much! It’s like I’d switch places with them, they come over here and ill go back in manila that very day. Hehehehe. I’d be spending my Christmas with my best friend and parents, I guess.

That would be all now folks. I have to rush; I still have a class to attend to.

Lee rocks!! @ 6:14 AM

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

to prove his shityness

haaaaay, sira na talaga ulo nito. di niya alam pinagtatawanan ko nalang siya. haaaay. kawawa.

(bandingoes = roliie; lee falcon = me)
bandingoes: hi lee
Lee Falcon: oh! hi
bandingoes: how are you?
Lee Falcon: ok naman. school. kaw?
bandingoes: yup, sa call caneter.. miss you
Lee Falcon: yeah, whatever!
bandingoes: bat kananaman ganyanLee Falcon: nothin. parang di ko feel yung sinasabi mo.
bandingoes: hmmmm eh pano ngayon lang tayo nagusap ulit...
Lee Falcon: ahhhh
bandingoes: pero sana, maayos pa dinnatin tayo
Lee Falcon: ang alin?
bandingoes: us
Lee Falcon: US?
Lee Falcon: elaborate please?
bandingoes: tayo
Lee Falcon: ano nga meron tayo?
bandingoes: alam monaman yun eh
bandingoes: may bago ka ba cel number?
Lee Falcon: nope, smart pa rin naman.
Lee Falcon: huh? anong alam ko?
bandingoes: alin number? dami mona number s akibn
Lee Falcon: ang number ko lang is smart and sun.
Lee Falcon: but am using my smart now.
bandingoes: ano yun number
Lee Falcon: yung 0921
bandingoes: ano yun complete?
Lee Falcon: 09213676283
BUZZ!!!
bandingoes: gusto mo pa ba ako?
Lee Falcon: huh?
Lee Falcon: bye
bandingoes: ano na muna?
Lee Falcon: anong anu muna???
bandingoes: gusto mo pa ba tayo?
Lee Falcon: anu nga tayo?
bandingoes: tayo pa ba?
Lee Falcon: huh?! meron ba?
bandingoes: meron!
Lee Falcon: talaga?
Lee Falcon: kaw lang ata nakakaalam????
Lee Falcon: ang labo mo
bandingoes: e ano ba tingin mo?
Lee Falcon: ang labo mu eh.
Lee Falcon: you never commit naman tas sasabihin mo may tayo??
bandingoes: what do you want
Lee Falcon: what do i want? since when did you care ba??
bandingoes: alam moanamn i still care.. why would i still communicate ba?
Lee Falcon: ewan!
Lee Falcon: malay ko ba kung ano gutso mo.
bandingoes: gusto mo ba magsama na tayo?
Lee Falcon: nyak!
bandingoes: mamili ka san mo gusto sa manila o dyan sa province?
Lee Falcon: huh?!
Lee Falcon: anong tanong yun?!
bandingoes: kung gusto mo nga sumama sa akin
Lee Falcon: at bakit naman ako sasama sayo?! as if kilala kita!
bandingoes: kiala mo ako noh
Lee Falcon: nope, not the real you.
Lee Falcon: i barely know you
bandingoes: what do you know about me?
Lee Falcon: you fuck all the gurls you know.
Lee Falcon: hmm, hit and run?!?!?!
bandingoes: thats not true
Lee Falcon: oh, really?
bandingoes: like who?
Lee Falcon: me!
Lee Falcon: oh?!
bandingoes: you knwo you're special to me
Lee Falcon: talaga lang?! how special?!
Lee Falcon: i have to rush.
Lee Falcon: layo pa bahay ko.
Lee Falcon: kung la ka na sasabihin, bye.
bandingoes: mahal pa din kita lee
Lee Falcon: com'mon!! spare me!
bandingoes: its true..
Lee Falcon: haaaaay
bandingoes: ano ba gusto mo gawin
Lee Falcon: wala
Lee Falcon: forget you
bandingoes: wag mo sa bihin yan,, marami pa tayo pwede gawin.
Lee Falcon: talaga lang ha?
bandingoes: if pumunta ba ako dyan. sama kaba sa akin?
Lee Falcon: saan?
bandingoes: pasyal mo ako
Lee Falcon: as if may mapapasyalan dito?!?!?!?!?
bandingoes: eh, kaya nga ask kita eh
Lee Falcon: kaya nga sinasabi ko na wala mapapasyalaan dito.
bandingoes: san ayo puputna?
Lee Falcon: huh?!
Lee Falcon: basta walang mapapasyalan dito.
Lee Falcon: hoi, lapit na ko off.
Lee Falcon: cge nahh
bandingoes: cge text kita sa cell mo, mag cebu tayo..
Lee Falcon: cebu ka diyan!!! ano gagawin natin dun?!
bandingoes: pasyal nga, ano kaba...
Lee Falcon: ok, whatever!!!!!! as if you have a word!
bandingoes: pag nasa cebu ako, how long bago ka makadating dun?
Lee Falcon: overnyt
bandingoes: yup overnyt tayo
Lee Falcon: no i said overnyt ang biyahe
bandingoes: ah.. boat ba? edi dyan lnalang sa lugar na ninyo para malapit sa inyo
Lee Falcon: eh wala nga pasyalan dito eh. kulit!!!!!!!!!
bandingoes: eh kasi kung malayo ang cebu, hanap ayo malapit,,
Lee Falcon: mas malapit ang cebu sa manila from here.
Lee Falcon: may davao!!!
bandingoes: gusto mo sa davao?
Lee Falcon: no, ala ko kilala sa davao.
bandingoes: kung malapit davao, dun tayo puputa..
bandingoes: alam monaman makapunta ng davao diba?
Lee Falcon: mas malapit ang davao pero i prefer cebu.
Lee Falcon: i dont know how to get to davao ui.
bandingoes: cge, plan natin..
bandingoes: cge na uwi kana, at agabihin ka nyan
Lee Falcon: ok.
Lee Falcon: bye

---- whahahahahahaahahahaha!! nakakaatawa siya!! hala sige!! enjoy ko lang toh!! hahahaahhaha! ill drop him like a hot potato! hahahahahaha

Lee rocks!! @ 6:32 AM

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

sem break

grabeeeeh!! ansaya ng sembreak ko!! hehehehe.

i have a chance to get close with my crush. *blush* yeah, we are friends now, we hang out alot narin. last saturday, we went together sa octoberfest. hehehehe. we drank din together, and i got drunk!! *sigh* we went together din sa bukirin namin, kumaen kami ng maraming buko and pumelo! hehehehe. hmmm, we spent most of our "dull" time together. pag super bum kame, text2 kame till either one of us mag aya lumabas and eat or simply talk. aion. saya! hehehehe. oh well, being with him most of the time this sem break helps me figure out that he isnt the guy for me. *laughs* am no longer acttracted to him romantically. *rejoice*

what else?! kami lang ng 15 years old cuz ko ang nasa bahay, the rest of the folks are in manila now. *sob* nag eenjoy na sila dun, umuwi kasi si tita Yvonne from australia eh. i am left behind kasi i have a class to attend to next week. ill be in manila naman this christmas vacation eh. so no worries.

as of now, am soooo numb. *toinks* i mean, i feel like i dont feel anything at all. sobrang wala akong inaalala, walang pinoproblema, walang ginagawa, walang nararamdaman, as in wala!! haaaaay. i know something inside of me is missing. *anu kaya?!* cant figure it out yet. ika nga ng mga tropa ko, lalake lang daw kulang sa buhay ko!! -- HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

be back whenever i feel like blogging something relevant. *toinks*

Lee rocks!! @ 4:44 AM

Thursday, October 26, 2006

rush

as what the title implies, i have to rush.

i have few minutes left here online and i still dont have an idea what to blog. *grrrr*

i want to blog something about my crush, but am afraid that he'll try to drop by and read my post! *puch* someone gave him my blog address. kakaasar!

anyway, i just came from school. nag paenroll ako and 21units lang naman. aion. nothing much to share. INC pala ako sa isa kong major subject, i didnt realized na may hindi pala ko na-submitt sa dami ng dapat akong asikasuhin last finals. *haaay*

till here.

Lee rocks!! @ 2:21 AM

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

new post daw.

hehehehe. someone in my tag left a message that i should have a new post. *laughs* (kaw talaga ivan!! hehehe)

yeah, i havent post something new lately, am actually busy with the real world last week and this week. i mean, buong quarter na siguro ng 1st sem, finals na kasi and i need to be on track.

i am the "new" managing editor of the campus press organization and am still on training kasi it is actually my first time to take this kind or responsibility. ganito yun eh, yung managing editor namin is graduating, i mean lahat ng higer editors namin are graduating students kaya they are looking for potential successors ng position nila. and nagulat nalang ako when the managing editor approached me and told me na ako daw ang plan niyang ipalit sa pwesto niya. so at the back of my mind am shouting "NO, NO, NOT ME!!!!!" pero actually its a previlegde narin diba? my point is, di pa ko ready to take the responsibility. farout!!

ano pa ba balita!? oh yeah, i just had a good talk with my ex, Mac - face to face. that was saturday. it was sooooo unexpected!! basta am happy lang na somehow naguusap na kame, after a long one year, atleast naramdaman kong am cool with him. and siya din.

kagagaling ko lang sa sakit and am glad na am ok now.

hmmm, i like watching the movie AQUAMARINE. it is really a great movie. i love it!!!! hehehehe!!

till here!!

thanks for droppin by!

Lee rocks!! @ 5:11 AM

Sunday, August 13, 2006

back on track

first. i started to feel light again last saturday (august 12, 2006). i woke up at 5am and went to school at 530am. ganun kaaga kasi Jed and I are the "marketer" para sa cooking namin in our Culinary Lab na subject. nung nag meet kame ni Jed, punta na kame agad sa palengke. tas mga 645am, nsa school na kame, we were asked to cook our own recipe for breakfast, kasi it is our first time to have our culinary lab at morning. so i told my block mates (18 students, onti noh?!) na i have my own recipe. our prof told us to cook omelette, so i offered my recipe. tas when we are cooking, sobrang busy ako. hindi ko na napapansin ang cellphone ko. i mean, biglang nakalimutan ko na lahat and am focused on what am doing. tas after cooking, we ate. then our prof suddenly said "kaninong recipe to?! sarap ah!!" (anu raw?!) hahahaha!! natatawa ako!! tas our prof gave us 96% out of a hundred as grade dun sa presentation namin. (ang saya dibah?!) so while busy ako kakakinig ng mga compliments nila, my inner self was saying "gosh!! am back on track!! nasa tamang pagiisip nanaman ako!" (hahahahaahhaaha!! korek!!).

second. after ng cul.lab. namin, naisipan namin ng tropa ko na mag online. lalaro daw xa gunbound and ako naman net lang. eh tama ba namang OL din bestfriend ko!! waw!! syempre masaya dabah?!

third. acquaintance party ng school of business pare!!! pers taym ko nung saturday!! lufet dude!! ansaya ko kaya?! *laughs* actually, the dean said the party was not compulsory. so i decided not to join coz i know aabutan ako ng madaling araw sa pag uwi and it felt awkward to me when thinking of going and mingling with the other business students, except for my classmates noh!! tas the dean said it was not compulsory diba? but they said EACH student MUST have an attendance. ampf!! edi ganun din?! (honga!! aswang!) but that wasnt the prob, actually, there ain't no prob. i enjoyed the party!! there was no partucular dress code for that event, i actually thought that dress code would be formal! the heck!! but buti nalang hindi. so i wore my red polo blouse, my fave jeans and my white sandals with accessories (ramdam kong babaeng babae na ko dun sa get up ko na yun!). the party started at 1pm and it ended at 10pm. i came in the party at around 445pm and i liked it coz when i got there, it was eating time! *laughs* and while the people were busy eating, there were several band that performed from different organizations. i saw my classmate back in elementary playing the drums and deym he is hot!! *lol* anyways, after the eating session, nag disco na and when i got home, am soooo drenched!! *lol* twas my fist time!! love it!!

fourth. nakachat ko rin si ate joey, just now. (missed her) honga!! iba parin talaga dating pag siya ang kausap pag dating sa "kalalakihan" na yan!! *laughs*. i know na personal na ang usapan namin but i really wanna blog this. ganyan kasarap pag siya ang kausap ko about that thingy kasi "nananampal" xa. *hihihihihihi* (e kasi naman noh, kaya mo nasabing sampal kasi talagang tama at swak siya!)

te Jo: well.
te Jo: before i say goodbye (kasi mag-1pm na hehehehe), isa lang ang gusto ko sabihin sa yo...
te Jo: malabo ang darwin na yan.
te Jo: tama na yung ginawa mo na "nilayuan" mo sya
britleeh: no worries!!
te Jo: i suggest, forget him. go on with your life. youa re doing great there. youa re carving a name for yourself.
britleeh: yeah.
te Jo: intindihin mo ang pag-aaral mo.
britleeh: i know am fine.
te Jo: saka na yung lintek na lab-lab yan
britleeh: si darwin?! hmm, la lang yun.
britleeh: love?! as if!!
britleeh: di nga ata love eh..
britleeh: ehehehe
britleeh: bato na ko..
te Jo: hay naku, ako pa ang binola mo, gagah! of course darwin means something to you. kung hinde, e di sana di ka nage-emote ng ganyan
te Jo: being in denial of how you really feel, will only make things difficult for you.
britleeh: siguro yung kay dar?! dala lng ng ego ko. pero kht hukayin ko puso ko, dko pa love si dar. ala kong naramdaman na love.
britleeh: so am alright.
te Jo: tanggapin mo na ang katotohanan na may meaning si darwin sa yo, at nasaktan ka. and then move on.
te Jo: and dont say you have moved on, when inreality youhave not.
britleeh: ai oo, may meaning naman xa sa akin perooooooooo, bsta!! ibang level lang naman ng kababwan un..
te Jo: dont live in denial. acceptance is the first step towards peace.
britleeh: yeah, seeds of angst!!
te Jo: kung totoong "kababawan", then taht should not be bothering you this way.
britleeh: hmmm.
britleeh: ego ko lang to..
te Jo: its alright to admit na nagkagusto or MAY gusto ka sa kanya.
britleeh: kasi maxado expect na ... bsta...
britleeh: yeah, admit ko yun..
britleeh: pero yun lang naman...
britleeh: chaka i know he's happy..
britleeh: and ako din nman...
te Jo: nope, you DONT know whether he is happy or not.
britleeh: uh, yeah..
te Jo: si darwin lang ang makapagsasabi kung masaya sya o hinde.
te Jo: at ikaw lang ang makapagsasabi kung totoong masaya ka o hinde.
te Jo: what i want to happen to you is to learn to accept things without denials.
te Jo: ang hirap sa ating mga babae, deny ng deny.
britleeh: toinks!! *ouch*
te Jo: tapos kung ano-anong katarantaduhan ang ginagawa sa buhay, na in the end, sa atin din naman tatama
te Jo: ang mas mabuti, wish him well, and move.
britleeh: i know.. i know..
te Jo: at this point, it wont work with darwin lee.
britleeh: i will..britleeh: actually, am helping him..
te Jo: he strikes me as too cute for comfort, and true to it, easy lang makakuha ng girls
te Jo: masasaktan ka lang.
te Jo: kung kayo talaga, e di gagawa ang tadhana ng paraan para magtagpo kayo ulit.
britleeh: eh kasi ako ang hinihingian nya nga mga advices eh..
te Jo: naka-alis ka na kay mac, wag mo ilibing ang sarili mo kay darwin. alam mo naman kung gano kahirap "makaalis"
te Jo: and dont tell me "nakaalis" ka na, i wont believe you.
britleeh: honestly, as of now, dko na maimagine being with him.... never!! frnds perhaps, but never as lovers.. ewwww!!
te Jo: ikaw ang hinihingan ng advices
te Jo: ano ka ba, di ka ba nasanay sa style ng mgha ampf!
britleeh: yeah
britleeh: yeah!! tama!! actually, i label him as ampf din!!
te Jo: alam mo naman yang mga yan, hahanap at hahanap ng paraan para lang ma-maintain ang "contact" sa yo.
te Jo: basta. stop it.
te Jo: yun lang.

-- aion lang naman!! am back on track!! free again!! hakuna matata!! --

Lee rocks!! @ 10:18 PM

Thursday, August 10, 2006

bother

bother, is to cause to be somewhat anxious or concerned.

biological dad - this thing started to bother me when my half bother, Stacy, was busy knowing his his relatives, father side. and his father is not just an ordinary guy in this place, his father is a "dragon". so my brother was starting to get acquainted with the "dragon family". (argh!) on my brother's birthday, his relatives came. yeah, the "dragon clan" arrived in our pad. we were really under pressure. i mean we didn't expect them to come. they brought foods, drinks and ofcourse, their sons and daughters. mac belongs in the dragon clan - glad he didnt came, but his cousins did. i was trying to hide from the crowd. i was in the kitchen most of the time while the party was going on. i heard them talk about my brother and his father - about their resemblance, they also talked about my biological mom and they've recalled everything about the past. i knew i have stuck myself in the kitchen but i could still hear what they were talking about. i tried my best not to give an attention to it but i failed, so i was left longing for my biological dad. it started to bother me. (com'on, am happy enough to have a foster parents!) but at that moment, i started to wonder how or what could have happend if i would meet my biological dad, face to face. will i be as happy as my brother? will i be accepted as a part of their clan? will i be . . . . . . nevermind! *sigh*

past - they were all the same. they came and they were gone, with just a snap of a finger. isn't it so painful to realize that time would give you chances to talk, to share, to be with each other?! (is that bad?! i mean you should be glad that time has given you the chance) yeah, that's what sucks, ONLY chances!! JUST CHANCES!!! someone from my past thought that am happy being with someone else right now. honestly, i am not. and pathetically speaking i think that i'll never be, coz am stuck!! yeah, i have moved on. i mean com'on!!! it is so easy to move on, but it is what you left behind that makes it so damn difficult! i now am stuck somehow with my past but this is not about the feeling, ok?! i forgot what it feels like being inlove. what makes me stuck is the feeling of not able to forget being "decieved". so it affects my future. i already have the fear. (ngek, yun lang?! don't make it stop you!)

Lee rocks!! @ 10:40 PM

Monday, August 07, 2006

random facts

random facts in Lee's world as of (date posted above).

1. seeds of angst
- insecurities = i feel really unsecure of myself. am not rich, am not pretty, am not sexy, am not good in bed (duh!) -- am nothing.
- jealousy = i envy the guys that i've met. mac and darwin, they took everything so casually. ang saket! now, they are all having a good life. they are all smiling and having fun with their gurls, me? still stuck here in my world. none of the boys out there would want to join my world. i suck!
- fear = yes, i am afraid of something.
- denial = am in denial that i still have the "feeling".
- anger = i hate my foolishness and my stupidity. i hate me.
- guilt = and am guilty for what i've done to myself.
- acceptance = i know i have to do that, but it ain't that easy. com'on!!

it all started because of this txt-crap "we love each other and feel ko siya na talaga. i wanna settle na and am planning to get married this year." (his text goes something like that) --- it does hurt. i know am hurt, and am lost eleswhere. *sigh*

2. am in deep shit. i know some things shouldn't affect me the way it affects me right now.
- i still cant get away from my thoughts from the seeds of angst.
- i havent met the first deadline the editor in chief gave me. i mean, i had made several articles for the magtab but the layout artist havent showed up for like weeks!!!!!!! the hell!!
- my cellphone is broken. more hell!!
- i feel dizzy this past few weeks. maybe i guess because of my eating disorder. yeah, am suffering of that recently. i have been starving myself, i guess am too focused on controling my weight and am also busy with my committments in school. so i starved - and binge. i drank heavy acids last week without eating propperly, i have taken loads of sugars and carbs with out the proper meal. far out!! am i trying to kill myself?! i need serious help!!! someone?!?!?

3. hard as rock, eh?!?!?
- people never knew what i've been through this past weeks. i know i got a lot of comments like "pumayat ka Lee, diet noh?!" -- see?! does it matter?! i mean diet is what this guys knew about me. the hell!! i dont do diet!! i'd like to but am always out of track. so i dont. i have suffered eating disorder because of the intention of wanting to lose weight so i tried to maintain it but i know, we know that it's bad!! so i dont!! i am in shit!! and that's what makes me lose weight, and no, am not loving it. i'd rather gain weight as much as i want to as long as am worry-free. ok, so back with the peeps around me. i mean seriously, tell me, am not transparent!! am a good actor, i know how to hide things -- my feelings, my pain.
- bato?! that's what you think of me, dont you?! uh, yeah, i admit, i am numb to some of the shits. i mean pain doesnt hurt anymore if it all you ever felt, does it?! kinakalyo na nga puso ko eh. peeps say that i dont care, am rock. a hardcore bitch!! yeah, label me whatever!!!! but hey, come, try to see it through me. please, i insist.

4. masaya.
- uh, after what i've rant, i still insist you to believe that am somehow happy. ofcourse am mature enough to handle those, been through it almost every month of every year!! so i still hold this statement "as a real girl, i has withstood the test of time and i am constantly evolving with the changes around me. having practically grown up infront of the judgemental and fickle world, i know how i can make my success happend for myself. i may have committed a lot of mistakes along the way, but i am continually learning from them. you may love me or hate me, nobody can ignore the fact that i am here to stay!!" i am happy, i still find time to recall all the blessings that i've been receiving everyday. i am human; i mess up, i hate, i love, i complain, i pray, i survive, i feel, etc. i know that no matter how hard you try to evade just to not feel or experience the things that you dont like, still, you are left with no choice but be a prison of destiny. i know we can get away with this, cant we?! but yeah, it's in how you handle it. it's in how you go though the process. it's ok to let go of yourself, but make sure you know how to get yourself back. you can let go of everything, but please, never the faith. it's everything!!

5. foul play
- i made up a story to help myself move on. i have told this someone that i am blah blah blah. i may have played it foully but i know it's the right thing to do. i wonder if i have told him the truth?! will he......??? (duh!!!) yeah, as if he cared! never mind!!!

6. miss
- am missing alot of things. my bestfriend Chelo (happy five labz!!), my academics and mostly, my parents.

7. sloth
- no matter how hard you pull the trigger of your gun beside the ear of a sloth, it wouldn't move because it doesnt care!!. a sloth always has a blissfull smile attached on its face, in other words, this creature feels contentment. it sleeps 20hrs a day. it moves 2-4 meters per hour and last but not the least, it is the most laziest of the laziest (hehehe) of all creatures!! why am i blogging this?! because i want to be a sloth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there, none is left in my mind...

Lee rocks!! @ 6:59 PM

Thursday, August 03, 2006

i thought..

i know am totally over him. why am i feeling this way then??!??!

my world changed so easily. i was really busy with my life now. been really busy to meet the deadlines given to me by our managing editor, it aint that easy to be a student journalist, am loving it though. been busy attending workshops for the local tv team. i know i love being busy. i like it this way. but with one text, my world stopped. it changed.

"am planning to get married. feeling ko siya na talaga and kami na para sa isat isa. i wanted to settle narin and i know she is the right girl for me. we are planning to get married this year and i want you to come cause you are invited." - his text goes something like that.

WTF!!!! i texted back sayin "best wishes". (plastic!) yeah, i guess that's what you have to call me. i know am hurt with those words and . . . . . am lost else where!!

*sob*

Lee rocks!! @ 11:44 PM

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Q and A of life..

BEST
1. Male friend(s): as of now, Jak.
2. Female friend: Chelo

LAST
1. Person you saw: Lola
2. Talked to on the phone: Jefferson
3. Hugged: Alexis
4. Messaged over friendster: LA

TODAY
1. wearing & brand: res tee. particles.
2. better than yesterday? yeah.

TOMORROW
1. Is: sunday
2. Got any plans: finish schooling.

FAVORITE
1. Number: 5
2. Color: red and black
3. Season: rainy

CURRENT/LY
1. Missing someone: yeah
2. Mood: sleepy
3. Wanting: to talk to someone over the fone about "something"

Q: First thing you did this morning?:
A: looked at my phone

Q: Last thing you ate:
A: omelette potatoes with shredded cheddar cheese.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?:
A: yeah, the local TV station. i auditioned as a field reporter, now i passed and it's bothering me. hope i'll make it.

Q: What's annoying you right now?:
A: nothing actually

Q: What's the last movie you saw?:
A: superman returns

Q: Do you believe in long distance
relationships?:
A: nope

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right
now:
A: yep...

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: LSU

Q: Who is the last person you called?:
A: no one.

Q: Been cheated on?:
A: uh, it's complicated.

Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?:
A: more of biological dad.

Q: Do you have any siblings?:
A: yep

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: not really

Q: Do you think that a person is thinking of you
too?
A: no

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty,
creativity):
A: love

Q: Do you wish upon stars?A: yes

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: yes

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?:
A: my bed

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
A: red

Q: What were you doing at 4 last night?:
A: 4am?! sleeping.

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?:
A: april 14th?!

Q: Do you have more guy friends or girl friends?
A: girl

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: the other night.

Q: Do you get angry easily?
A: nope

Q: What was your last thought before you went
to sleep last night?
A: darwin *ewwww*

Q: What are you about to do?
A: go on with my article.

Q: What song are you listening to right now?A: im not missing you by stacie orrico

Q: Would you rather be single or in a
relationship?A: single.

Q: Do you ever check your phone waiting for
someone to call?
A: no.

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10.A: 8 (been blessed enough)

Lee rocks!! @ 2:33 AM

i've noticed..

gawd!! clef shin is sooooo IN?!? (nauuso din pala ang clef chin?) uh, yeah! i guess. hahahaha! that's what i've noticed. the biggest stars today has a clef chin! to name a few...

Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey

Kate Bosworth and Kevin Travolta

(so it's "in"??) yeah! (and so are you?!) yeah! *wide smile*

Lee rocks!! @ 1:50 AM

my "national anthem"

love this song! glad you're back Stacie Orrico!

IM NOT MISSING YOU by Stacie Orrico

Oh, Oh
I’m not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it’s over
What else could it be _____

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

It’s a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can’t be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can’t keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it’s right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you
I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem

i also love this one. *sigh*

ALERT THE ARMORY by Urbandub

This struggle could be over now this time,

time has changed us our silence is deafening.

Nothing can make this better

Our answers seldom come

There is death in words we say.

Sound the alarm

What we have built is gone

Our battle has just begun

Mayday! Mayday!

Bring the tears from out of your eyes

Just leave it up to me

Hearts of stone to bring out the cold

It cuts the warmth

It could’ve been easier

Now our bitter words revealed.

Nothing can make this better

Our answers seldom come

There is death in words we say

I’m so sick of you and love.

Lee rocks!! @ 1:27 AM

Monday, July 24, 2006

music

yeah! everybody love music!

pop, mellow, jazz, acoustic, pop rock, screamo, punk rock, rock metal, emo, emocore, hardcore, metal core, metal, rap metal, psychidelic, indie, alternative, grunge, heavy metal, post hardcore, deathmetal, blackmetal, reggae, pop punk, grunge metal, goth, instrumental, experimental, religious praises, hiphop, rap, urban, club mixes, and so many to mention!! whatever that genre may be!!

i was once a pop addict! specifically to Nsync, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, Solid Harmonie, Brintey Spears, Westlife and etc. they were popular because of their dance moves, their cool voices/harmonies and their looks! i remember collecting tons of picture, articles and i would even record their videos, performances on my video camera, i would even try to imitate their dance moves and styles! *laughs*

basically, groups and bands would eventually disband and separate and do their own thang! that's what happend to Westlife, Bryan McFadden decided to go solo, and so is Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter of Nsync and Backstreet Boys. Backstreet Boys managed to have their Greatest Hits album released last 2004 and so is Britney Spears and Westlife.

after the popularity of those groups, the urban and acoustic genre were on the way to the top charts. there was Missy Elliot, P.Diddy, Eminem, Justin Timberlake with NERD, Alicia Keys, J.Lo, Alliah, Stephen Speaks and many to mention. bein pimp is soooo in that time. teens would wear bling-blings and would even have thier belly and tongue peirced and would even starve theirselves just to earn money for those expensive blingage. would even wear a pair of "sports" attire to match with thier bling-blings. *laughs*

now..

here comes the bands that "play" different instruments *lol*, a band that is packed with the vocalist, the bassist, the lead guitarist, the keyboardist and the drummer. to name a few, those are Kamikazee, Slapshock, Urbandub, Agape, Typecast, Saydie, Greyhaunds, The Late Isabel, Pentovia, All American Rejects, Six Feet Under, The Signs of Dying, Dashboard Confessional and etc. they come with emo, punk rock, pop rock, screamo, heavy metal, rap metal, post hardcore, alternative, indie and etc. today, there are loads of posers. some are maybe influenced by the fashion, some are Salin, and some dont even know why they are in to it. *sheeesh*

all of us have this tendency to label someone the way s/he dress up. if someone wears this bling-blings, then s/he is in to hip-hop or urban. if someone wears black and chuck taylor with ripped pants then s/he is a "rocker". and if someone wears simply plain, then maybe s/he in to acoustic, pop or whatever!

well, stop that! there is nothing wrong with what you like listening to. so what's wrong in listening to rock music? what's wrong with wearing black? that doesnt make someone rebellious and bad. so what's with wearing large silver toned necklace and rings?! what's with wearing large diamond stud?! what's with listening to rap?! that doesnt make someone different from you.

as we all know, music is the universal language. we show emotions through music, we make music as our teacher and it is actually the bond that makes us one. music may come in different genres, different reasons, different type of people, but we all share for one same thing ----- the PASSION!!

Lee rocks!! @ 8:22 PM

Saturday, July 15, 2006

captivated

jak5
Originally uploaded by maclee25.

this is Jak, a very good friend of mine.

this photo was taken by Andrea, Jak's ex girlfriend. this was Jak's idea. saw this on his friendster profile and i got captivated with the concept of what ever Jak is trying to point out here. i asked Jak's concent to blog this pic or to upload it as my friendster wallpaper or in my profile, unfortunately, he wont let me.

what Jak doesnt know is, i do have a stubborn ass! *lol*

sorry Jak-oh! cant help it!

\m/

Lee rocks!! @ 2:45 AM

my prerogative

people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. but the question is.. Can you handle mine?

Name: Lee

as a real girl, i has withstood the test of time and i am constantly evolving with the changes around me..having practically grown up infront of the judgemental and fickle world, i know how i can make my success happend for myself..i may have committed a lot of mistakes along the way, but i am continually learning from them..you may love me or hate me, nobody can ignore the fact that i am here to stay!! Welcome to MY world!!

View my complete profile